Baby detox, maternal guilt

You see a sweet little bright-eyed baby. I see a sweet little bright-eyed baby with puffy eyes and a double chin.

With my first three pregnancies, I did the best I could with the information and skills I had at the time. With Simon, it was the Brewer diet, which focused on getting 100 grams a day of protein. I also started eating meat again, with the encouragement of my midwife, because my iron was very low (a long story which is discussed in my bio in the archives). And I ate a pint or two of Ben and Jerry's a week (now did I truly believe that was for the health of the baby?). With Keziah and Salome, I had discarded the protein myth and begun to move away from dairy. I also stayed vegetarian, although I remember having a few cans of salmon. I also had added a bit more exercise in... But emotional eating and overt fats were a big part of my life. I had high blood sugar in all of my pregnancies.

My babies were quite big from birth, and only gained in girth from there. My youngest daughter was 9 lbs. 10 oz. at birth and 26 pounds at 6 months, exclusively breastfed. I got continuous compliments about how fat she was, and I took personal pride in having supplied the calories. LOL! When I came to the low fat raw vegan lifestyle, she was 2 1/2, and I realized how my high-fat diet had adversely impacted my babies. I always thought that if I ever were to have another baby, I would do it all right!

Well, I can say that my diet and exercise improved dramatically from my earlier pregnancies, but it didn't match up with my knowledge... And so I feel a great sense of disappointment. I would like to be the best mom possible for my children, and I feel a sense of regret that I haven't been.

I feel grateful that I can stay home and nurse my little guy. I know I have contributed to his health when I see the glow of his skin, his bright eyes, his intelligence, curiousity and enjoyment of life. He has never been truly sick, although he did get a cough and runny nose when the rest of the family had a bout of the flu in October. He is very active and can already crawl rapidly, stand unassisted, climb three stairs, and walk easily around the furniture.

I find it interesting that his poop is different than my other babies. It looks like sweet potato baby food. My others had poop that had curds of fat in it, like cottage cheese. I can only assume this is an improvement connected to my decreased fat consumption. Of course, if you have ever been around formula fed babies, you have seen and smelled the dramatic difference in their poo. Uck!

But I can always see the consequences of any less-than-ideal food I eat on my little guy. Though his poo isn't fatty, he is a little on the chubby side. Born weighing 9 pounds even, he is 22 pounds at 8 months. He stores fat like his mama, in his saddle bags. LOL! And have you ever seen an 8 month-old with cellulite? Poor kid. Also, if I have a fatty binge (Halloween, anyone?), I notice he gets oily wax discharge from his ears.

If I eat beans, he gets gas. I haven't figured out what exact food gives him the puffy eyes, but they only come around after I've eaten something less than optimal.

The worst part is that he is so interested in what we eat now. He sits in either my lap or Jason's during dinner and reaches for everything. We let him grab lettuce or pieces of fruit to taste, but push the cooked food out of his reach. He watches us fork it into our mouths with the intense look babies get when they first begin to explore eating. I feel sad to think what we're imprinting into his brain.

I know that guilt has no real benefits. I do not change my behavior because I feel guilty. But my awareness is expanding. I see now how loving myself and caring for my own health, can impact the health and well-being of all those around me, especially my precious children.

Healing

I have a bad habit of thinking of myself as completely healthy now that I eat raw.

I tend to forget that I've only been eating 80-10-10 for a few months and that although my health has improved dramatically in that time, I still have years worth of toxins to dump and massive healing to be done.

On Tuesday, I stayed home sick from school. I had a low-grade fever in the morning and a very runny nose. I didn't eat much and I slept most of the day. Interestingly, I had 6 bowel movements (all "normal"). I felt pretty light and cleaned out. Maybe my body was spending more time repairing my bowel, which had been pretty irritated for the last 2 years or so.

I felt much better on Wednesday. Ideally, I would have taken another day off just to rest and recover fully, but I don't have paid sick leave, so back to work I went.

I feel good thinking about all of the repair work my body is able to do without me consciously directing it. All I have to do is "stay out of the way" by not consuming toxic substances and resting properly.

Germ Theory

One of the more controversial tenets of Natural Hygiene is the belief that germs do not cause illness.

The argument is the following... All disease is caused by toxemia. Toxemia is caused by toxins building up in the body. Toxin buildup results from consuming foods inappropriate for our species (meat, milk, grain, cooked food...) or from other practices that thwart the body's ability to cleanse metabolic toxins. So basically, if you are emotionally unhealthy, if you don't exercise, if you don't get the rest and sunshine you need, toxins can build up.

Your body then produces a response to remove the toxins. Throwing up, sneezing, runny nose, for example, are all ways for the body to rid itself of toxic matter. Symptoms are the healing itself. Symptoms also alert your conscious mind to perform actions that assist healing, such as fasting or resting.

What about those bacteria that we can see on a microscope? Well, according to NH, the germs are opportunistic organisms that actually are assisting in the healing process. Bacteria are consuming toxins or performing other functions, not attacking us and causing illness.

Without delving deeply into all of the convincing evidence that NH teachers use to support their theory, let me just state that I generally am convinced.

But I am challenged by a couple of unanswered questions:

1) Why do I have the same cold symptoms that my kids had a couple of days ago, and that some of their daycare compatriots had last week? The usual argument would be that we have similar poor habits that build up toxins and so our bodies simply are cleansing simultaneously.

But I'm the only committed raw fooder in the bunch. Why should I have similar symtoms as my kids who ate tons of sugary baked goods this Saturday and a bunch of meat and milk consuming daycare kids?

2) What about stuff like rabies?

So a long drawn-out way to say... Waaah, my nose is running. LOL!

Tired (and tired of being negative)

The title says it all.

Literally, at times this week, I have only not eaten cooked foods because I know I will get violently ill. Several items that have been occupying my mind... Taco Bell bean burritoes, vegetarian super-nachos, and waffle fries. When I think of them, I simultaneously feel desire and nausea. The thought of eating them literally makes me want to vomit.

But then at other times, I feel better.

Actually, I don't think there's much I could say at this point that would be interesting or useful to anyone. But I want to record how I feel for the future. So when everything is all wonderful and I am the person I always was meant to be, I can look back and see the depths from which I rose.

Geez, even that sounds bad.

Ok, two things I am grateful for... Patton Oswalt (warning explicit language, but GOOD GOD, this guy is funny) and Tomato-Peach Soup (recipe in Dr. Graham's 80-10-10 Diet).

Good night all and thank you for being here for me.

Cleansing continues

Ester Resting on Arm by Laura Smith

Felt "ill" today. Actually, I didn't feel any strong symptoms; I just felt like I couldn't move for any reason. I slept pretty much all day and got up about 4 p.m. It is so fortunate that my husband is here to be with the children. He also harvested some cabbage and kale for me to sell tomorrow at market.

I should have probably fasted to allow for more healing to take place, but I ate anyway. At about 7 p.m., I had a very large hard ball of a bowel movement. Hmmmm, maybe that's what my body was working on cleansing.

I am battling feelings of helplessness and depression. Can I conquer my flaws? (Or is that a fundamentally flawed way of viewing myself?)

Today's Raw Food

About 5 p.m. 3 C. honeydew melon, 3 C. watermelon

About 7 p.m. About 12 C. watermelon, 2 cups raw peas

About 10:30 p.m. 6 Medjool dates, 1 oz. raw cashews

About 1550 calories, C-P-F 80-7-13

Symptoms Update

Thought I'd post a before picture. I weighed at least 171 pounds in this picture, not counting the baby. 171 pounds was probably my morning dehydrated weight (since I ate so much salt) and my real weight was probably more like 175.

I am enjoying my new found health and lightness lately. Today, I learned how to use a post pounder and enjoyed the power of raising a big metal object high above my head and then pulling it down with a satisfying clang to drive a huge metal post into the ground. Could I have done that in the shape I was in when the above picture was taken? NO.

I find it easy and effortless to break into a run if I want to. I can jump in and out of a dumpster with ease. I can carry a big watermelon in each arm and climb the stairs into my home.

I have enjoyed almost 100% relief from my bowel symptoms. However, I now am quite tuned in to how even slight indiscretions can lead to discomfort. Anything salty, dehydrated, or overly fatty can irritate my system. This is not new, but now I notice it, where before, I felt bad all the time and so I didn't really think about what was causing it.

Yesterday, I made the mistake of eating a cup or two of collard green thinnings, about an inch in size. I figured they were young greens and should be o.k. No. Today, I have had gas that smells like fermented collard greens.

I am still coughing up a significant amount of thick yellowish mucous from my chest. However, I don't feel any irritation there--it seems to be leftover stuff to be expectorated and I don't feel like more is being produced. We'll see.

I am still not resting enough. I am also experiencing some self-induced stress, which I hope to deal with positively in the next few days.

Although I am not getting proper rest, I feel more energetic than I ever used to. I no longer wake feeling horrible and achey and longing to sleep indefinitely. I am less crabby in general in the morning. I also do not experience the intense urge to take a nap midafternoon like I usually did before.

So, here's to the amazing changes raw has brought me thus far!

Today's Food:

9 a.m. Smoothie w/ 3 large bananas, 2 C. blueberries, and 2 C. Four Seasons lettuce

12:30 p.m. 3 C. sweet cherries

4 p.m. 10 C. watermelon

6:30 Salad with iceberg and Four Seasons lettuce and red and yellow pepper w/ a soup/dressing made from Roma tomatoes, cucumber, red pepper, iceberg lettuce, lime juice, fresh oregano and some cumin

About 1380 calories

Detox or "cleansing"

Picture from www.herbsforhealth.com

I am finally experiencing the dreaded detox that everyone tells you about. I have had four days of acidic nasal discharge, sore throat and fatigue. On The Path of Health list, we have been encouraged to use the word "cleansing" rather than detox, because the connotation is positive. I am trying to stay positive. My symptoms are telling me that my body is cleaning house and I am happy that it is doing so.

Of course, part of the problem is that I have been "too busy" to rest. (Of course, it's just that I haven't been making rest a big enough priority.) So, I've been cheating on my sleep, and generally just working myself to the point of exhaustion.

Now my body is DEMANDING that I pay attention. Today, I have really felt awful, and I'm finally taking the time to really rest. The most strenuous thing I've done is read blogs and sort through blueberries. Actually, I stayed in bed until 1 p.m.

I felt that maybe I should fast, but was conflicted since I am breastfeeding my active 2 year-old and do not want to jeapordize my milk supply. I visited Dr. Graham's VegSource Forum and he advised me to not fast more than 36 hours, but to monoeat and REST. I waited until 4 p.m. to eat, and then ate watermelon to the point of satiation--about 12 cups. What a wonderful resource his forum is--I encourage anyone to go there with questions.

I plan to rest as much as possible tomorrow, but Saturday is Farmer's Market, and my partner must be away, so there's no avoiding getting there.

However, I must say, that I do feel much better than I did this morning. So, we can hope.

Feeling better

Today I woke up with the same ache in my throat that I've had for a week, as well as some nasal blockage. But I felt a bit more energy and not so flu-ish. I have also been coughing up some mucous, which I take to be a good sign. After my shower, I felt about 80% and decided this would be a lovely day.

We are running alarmingly low on fruit. Sigh. No money until Friday, and after we pay the bills, not much left then, either. At least there's celery...

Wednesdays are the day that we go to preschool storytime at the library after dropping my son off at school, so I knew I better eat something before I left or I'd be ready to gnaw someone's head off before we got back at 11 a.m. So I sliced up 2 Bartlett pears before we left the house at 8:15. Unfortunately (for me anyway), I only got to eat one, since all of the kids begged for some.

We walked to the school and then headed downtown toward the library. I was watching a neighbor's son while she got a tooth pulled and he kept complaining about how far it was (not used to walking and he had his healthy breakfast of a PopTart). Then my daughter had to go to the bathroom. So we had to stop at a local business to use the bathroom. I had some fliers to post for my garden club's plant sale, so we made some more stops along the way.

By this time, it was about 9:15 and I was getting quite hungry. Being hungry makes me nervous! I stopped in the little grocery store downtown. I only had about a dollar in change and their produce was horrible and overpriced! I spent 50 cents on an orange, but had to share it with the three kids, so... But a quarter of an orange relaxed me and helped me last the next couple of hours.

We went to the library finally. I had missed last week since we were sick, so I didn't realize that story time was on break until June. Oops. Luckily, none of the kids got upset. They read and played with the library's toys happily for an hour and then we walked home around 10:45.

On the way home, I realized I had a jar of soaked, dried almonds in the bag and so we shared some of those. I only ate about 1/2 an ounce. I certainly overdid the nuts yesterday.

For lunch, I made a big salad with romaine, 12 oz. defrosted raspberries, and chopped celery, but had to share that, too. I was still hungry, so I choked down an overripe banana. Man, I have to find another calorie dense, affordable fruit. Bananas just don't do it for me. I do have 3 cantaloupes ripening on the counter. I wish they'd hurry up already!

Detox continued

I did walk my daughter to preschool, but felt like I was slogging through wet cement. And I also got some planting done at the community garden. And I planted my own 4 x 8 raised bed in the garden with rainbow chard, endive, spinach, and a few onions.

In addition to my morning's green juice, I also ate

2 1/2 C. of thawed mangoes around 11:30
Around 2, I meant to make a salad and a dressing for it, but I ran out of time and just drank the dressing, which was 2/3 of an avocado, 1 large tomato, 2 stalks of celery, 1 Tbs. raw apple cider vinegar
2 oz. soaked and dehydrated walnuts around 3:30
3/4 of a large Bartlett pear around 5:00
A big salad of romaine, red and yellow pepper, grated carrot, a sprinkling of soaked dehydrated sunflower seeds, a sprinkling of lentil sprouts and a bunch more of that creamy nut-based dressing

I know, too many nuts and way too much fat! And I should probably be fasting while sick...

I feel down, but have been reading other's stories of detox and know that this is to be expected. I also believe that my detox will be short because I am YOUNG and STRONG and HEALTHY. I plan to rest and relax this evening and if I feel bad tomorrow, I will definitely go easier on the food intake.

Detox already?

Sigh. I started to feel bad around 11 p.m. last night.

I am sneezing and feeling run down. I have a low fever, which means my body temp is "normal" instead of the 96 degrees I normally am at. I stayed in bed dozing on and off until 9:30... Of course I had to get up to get my boy off to school and get the girls dressed and the toddler nursed over and over, so not any really good sleep to be had there. I got up and took a hot shower, which made me feel a bit better.

The terrible thing is that I just got over an awful flu and I was looking forward to a long stretch of health and high energy.

I wrestled with my cheapie juicer (I got it free so I can't really complain) for 20 minutes and finally got it to work. I made some kale, celery, apple juice and drank it while reading some raw inspiration on the 'net.

It is a beautiful day and I have so much planting I can do. Waaaahhhh.

In an hour, I will walk my preschooler to school and see how I feel.