Accepting imbalance

Well, there are significant improvements going on inside of me!

I first took a bit of inspiration from Enki philosopy...

"In order to really learn something new, we must suspend the world we know and just receive or take in the new, in its own right. If we don't do this we are only re-learning what we already know. Opening to the new does require welcoming or at least accepting a kind of imbalance, what Piaget calls a disequilibrium."

Beth Sutton


Oh, so it's o.k. to be dizzy? LOL!

Fear of failure. Why? If I constantly derail myself, then I have already failed. Better to accept that everyone wobbles, falls, and then stands again to move on. Better to be patient with myself as I learn.

"When our fundamental confidence rests in our inherent wisdom and vitality, and not in what we know or own (our territory), we will welcome this disequilibrium."

Beth Sutton


I believe we are all, by design, gifted with wisdom and life. It is buried under a layer of fat, maybe. We might drown it out with idle chatter, with learned fears and entrenched habits. But we can find it, if we look and listen.

What IS the problem?

In a nutshell, I never calm down. I have never been able to feel a peaceful sense of moving steadily through life, meeting challenges with excitement and confidence.

No matter what is going on, I perceive emergency, chaos, and distress, followed by swings into joy, excitement and optimism. Up and down and round and round till I, and everyone around me, is exhausted.

And THIS is the problem.

Increased Self-Awareness, Contrast, and other Blessed Irritations

When I went raw, I was shocked at how sharp my sense of smell and taste became. I was also pleasantly surprised to find that many symptoms I took for granted disappeared. I hadn't noticed them because they were so much a part of my life... That achy, lethargic, groggy feeling I woke up with every morning? Turns out it's a "food hangover", not just a result of turning thirty, or bad genes, or "not being a morning person."

So, imagine my dismay, when I began eating poorly again, at having all of my gains disappear and all of my symptoms return. Actually, they seemed worse. Are they worse? No, I am not being "punished." It's just a matter of noticing these things more now that I know what it's like to feel better.

In a way, this increased self-awareness has been the one thing that my detour to SAD land can't erase. And I am grateful for that. Grudgingly grateful.

I know my detour has been temporary, because now I've seen the promised land and want to go back.

Busted...

I have not been cataloging all of my struggles here as often as I was, mainly because it feels defeating to write about them day in and day out.

But if I could recap the last 4 months for you, they would be as follows: I have been freaking out about virtually everything. Money, family relationships, my ability to parent and homeschool, etc. and so on. And, I have been medicating myself heavily with junk food.

However, as we are transitioning our kids, I have been sticking with the program in front of them, and sneaking the junk food in the evenings after they are in bed. I know it's a bad situation, but it is the best I could come up with for now.

So, the other day, I am out for a little walk with my three kids and a woman comes out to the curb to pick up her garbage cans. She stops and looks hard at me and says, "Oh, hi!" "Hello." I say. Although she looks vaguely familiar, I don't know who she is. "I'm your Taco Bell drivethru lady," she explains, seeing the look on my face.

Good grief! How small is this town? How often have I been to Taco Bell? I don't have THAT memorable of a face, do I? Sheesh. It's like the universe was sending me a message.

"What does that mean, Mommy?" my five-year old innocently asked.

Turns out my kids don't even know what a drivethru is. Well, there, at least there's one thing I'm doing right.

Thoughts about cooking...

I took up cooking when I was pregnant with my oldest son. I think it was a subconscious bid to become a "mother" like my own mother. My mother always cooked meals from scratch when I was a kid, and we ate very little processed food.

So, I started reading Cooking Light and Vegetarian Times religiously and checking out cookbooks from the library. I secretly knew that I was a better cook than my mother, but I did share her penchant for getting distracted and burning things.

When I discovered the raw 80-10-10 way of eating, I was spending approximately 3-4 hours per day preparing meals.

Now my food prep is down to an hour or less.

At first, I felt a little bit of discombobulation... who knew so much of my identity as a mother was so tied up with my role as family cook?

However, now I realize what freedom I've stumbled upon. Free time to spend with my kids in meaningful activities we all enjoy. And freedom from worry that someone won't like the food I've spent so much time on. I used to really get hurt if the kids didn't like a recipe.

I'm glad to put that ugly issue behind me at least! Good grief.

And, I am not adding to my collection of scars from burning myself, or stinking up the house when I accidentally burn something (again). :)

I don't like waiting!

The waiting is the hardest part

Every day you see one more card

You take it on faith, you take it to the heart

The waiting is the hardest part

from The Waiting by Tom Petty

Actually, I can stand in line just fine. I don't usually race around trying to find the shortest grocery lane. I don't harumph with irritation if someone is 5 minutes late to meet me.

But when it comes to the changes I want to see manifest in my life, I really feel anxious and well, impatient.

I don't want to spend another week desperately hoping that we won't run out of money for food. This has gone on literally as long as I can remember, no matter what our earnings. We ALWAYS run out of money to pay all of the bills or have to subsist on bananas or dumpster gleanings for the last 3 days before payday.

I don't want to spend another winter shivering and feeling blue from lack of sunlight.

Is impatience a lack of faith? Possibly. Possibly I don't really believe I can create a stable financial situation or ever have the courage to start my life over in a new place. Perhaps I don't have faith in myself. Perhaps I am afraid to make some sort of "fatal" mistake if I make huge changes.

At this point, perhaps impatience is simply a symptom of system overload. I literally cannot take this amount of pain and stress for much longer. I have reached the end of my tolerance. Much more, and my spirit may sicken and die.