Old tapes

Some of you may remember which teacher it was who used to tell us that the "old tapes" running through our heads sometimes led to getting stuck in behaviors we want to change. I know some of you reading this aren't old enough to remember cassette tapes. LOL! But I find it a useful and accurate metaphor for what I experience at times.

Despite my incredible progress in so many areas, a lot of my old tapes are still running. After a strong start to the new year, I have slid back to the point where I found myself eating all kinds of crap yesterday, including dairy.

The new tape says, one meal at a time, start now. But the old tape says, you are a failure and you always will be. The new tape says, look at how far you've come and all you've improved. The old tape says, it's been years and you are still rehashing the same old crap.

When I feel like this, I have repetitive dreams where I have an important task to complete. Usually, in the dream, I have a class to teach or an appointment to keep. I find myself in a large building where I am wandering about, unable to find the room that I am supposed to be in. In another version of the dream, I don't have the proper materials or I can't find my glasses and am totally blind. The dream goes on and on, while I try and try to complete my task, with no success. Sometimes this dream is combined with a dream I have when I am stuffy and mouth-breathing. In this dream I have a large wad of gum stuck to my back teeth. I try to remove it, but I can only get bits and pieces. I pull piece after piece of sticky gum out, but still a large wad remains. I wake up feeling anxious, unrested and very thirsty.

Ok, my lovely friends, now is your cue to send me lots of love and encouragement. Thanks!

Accepting imbalance

Well, there are significant improvements going on inside of me!

I first took a bit of inspiration from Enki philosopy...

"In order to really learn something new, we must suspend the world we know and just receive or take in the new, in its own right. If we don't do this we are only re-learning what we already know. Opening to the new does require welcoming or at least accepting a kind of imbalance, what Piaget calls a disequilibrium."

Beth Sutton


Oh, so it's o.k. to be dizzy? LOL!

Fear of failure. Why? If I constantly derail myself, then I have already failed. Better to accept that everyone wobbles, falls, and then stands again to move on. Better to be patient with myself as I learn.

"When our fundamental confidence rests in our inherent wisdom and vitality, and not in what we know or own (our territory), we will welcome this disequilibrium."

Beth Sutton


I believe we are all, by design, gifted with wisdom and life. It is buried under a layer of fat, maybe. We might drown it out with idle chatter, with learned fears and entrenched habits. But we can find it, if we look and listen.

I don't like waiting!

The waiting is the hardest part

Every day you see one more card

You take it on faith, you take it to the heart

The waiting is the hardest part

from The Waiting by Tom Petty

Actually, I can stand in line just fine. I don't usually race around trying to find the shortest grocery lane. I don't harumph with irritation if someone is 5 minutes late to meet me.

But when it comes to the changes I want to see manifest in my life, I really feel anxious and well, impatient.

I don't want to spend another week desperately hoping that we won't run out of money for food. This has gone on literally as long as I can remember, no matter what our earnings. We ALWAYS run out of money to pay all of the bills or have to subsist on bananas or dumpster gleanings for the last 3 days before payday.

I don't want to spend another winter shivering and feeling blue from lack of sunlight.

Is impatience a lack of faith? Possibly. Possibly I don't really believe I can create a stable financial situation or ever have the courage to start my life over in a new place. Perhaps I don't have faith in myself. Perhaps I am afraid to make some sort of "fatal" mistake if I make huge changes.

At this point, perhaps impatience is simply a symptom of system overload. I literally cannot take this amount of pain and stress for much longer. I have reached the end of my tolerance. Much more, and my spirit may sicken and die.

30 years of problems take more than 3 minutes to fix

"Am I in heaven here or am I in hell? At the crossroads I am standing."

Sarah McLachlan

One conversation that I see repeated numerous times on raw forums is when newbies state that they have been raw for a number of weeks or months and they have not seen their symptoms disappear completely or their energy soar. Invariably, the wise sages appear and assure them that a lifetime of damage cannot be repaired in such a short time. So, be patient, stay the course, have faith, they are counseled. Some do, some fall by the wayside. Such is life.

I am trying to apply this lesson to my emotional struggles. Be patient, stay the course, have faith. Will I survive? Or will I be left laying on said wayside, a casualty of my own special collection of trauma and weakness?

Today, I was feeling under the weather and contacted a person I was scheduled to meet to beg off. She expressed concern that my illness was caused by my raw vegan lifestyle. Actually, her words were, "I wish you would consider eating more."

This is the umpteenth time this person has expressed her concern that I am going to kill myself or my children with my crazy diet.

I could not contain a derisive laugh. Hasn't she noticed that I have gained 20 pounds in the last 6 weeks, I asked her? I have been eating lots of foods on her approved list, huge amounts of calories.

"Brown rice?" she pressed. Yes, my problems are definitely caused by a brown rice deficiency.

She is just doing her best, I reminded myself. Feeling a disgusting combination of guilt and fear, I went on to explain to her, honestly, that I was going through a lot of emotional difficulties and that I felt uncomfortable being subjected to her judgements. I played the "miscarriage" card (I had a miscarriage last year at this time), which was possibly a bit dishonest, since it isn't at the top of the list of what is really bothering me, but I felt I had to say something.

She apologized profusely, for not being aware that she was letting her judgement show through. In other words, she doesn't think she's wrong, she just thinks its wrong to make another person uncomfortable by sharing her correct opinion. Sigh. I feel frustrated by my inadequacy at standing on my own.

I want this to be true:

"All the fear has left me now
I'm not frightened anymore.
It's my heart that pounds beneath my flesh.
It's my mouth that pushes out this breath

and if I shed a tear I won't cage it.
I won't fear love
and if I feel a rage I won't deny it.
I won't fear love."

Sarah McLachlan

Reflecting on my Raw Adventure

sample photo from Microsoft

Looking back, I realized that it has been officially 18 days into my raw adventure, with no non-raw food cheats. I am amazed at how easy it was to go raw, but also at how difficult it was to not abuse my body with food (albeit raw food). I had to give away trigger foods, like cashews. I learned a lot about why grains, high fat foods, and dehydrated foods can be harmful, and I felt the effects of various foods on my own body.

And I learned that if I want to be able to eat this way, some of my food is going to have to come from a dumpster. Luckily, I love the thrill of the hunt! (Did I mention that last week we scored 21 cantaloupes?!?)

How has 18 days of raw food affected me?

• I have lost 6 pounds, which I attribute to water weight from a decline in salt consumption, since my body fat percentage is still about the same.

• In the beginning, I did experience some detox symptoms, such as mild headaches, acidic nasal drainage, sore throat, etc. But those passed fairly quickly.

• My bowel symptoms such as bloating, gas, and constipation go away, as long as I don't eat lots of nuts, dried fruit or dehydrated foods. When I eat those things, however, I am very uncomfortable.

• I don't crave cooked food, salt, or sugar. However, I don't like watching food commercials on t.v., because I have a combination of revulsion and attraction, almost like the feeling you get when you pass a fatal car accident on the road.
  
• My normally sharp sense of smell is even sharper. My friend came over with gum in her mouth and the smell almost bowled me over. Very chemically!

• My skin is clearer and seems to have a glow about it.

• I am anxious about other's reaction to my diet. I feel fearful about people's views about my parenting skills. I am also anxious about being able to afford good quality fruit.
  

• I feel like I am on an emotional roller coaster, going from ecstasy and joyfulness to frustration and depression.

Thanks to all of my supporters who have helped me on my journey!

Marjorie

Raising Raw Children in the Real World

I have had two chilling experiences in the last two days that have me fearful of raising my children in the lowfat raw vegan lifestyle...

We were all visiting my in-laws on Mother's Day and were enjoying each other's company. We talked about gardening and all of the exploits of the various young children in the extended family. At one point, we had been commiserating about a relative who is a bit wacky (or maybe cranky is a better word) and is in the process of going blind and losing her mobility as a result of diabetes and obesity.

My son came into the room and did something in such a grown up way, that I was just so enamored of him at that moment. He has grown up so much physically as well. I reached over and tousled his hair and said, "What a good-lookin' young man. He's growing up so fast."

"He's too skinny!" my mother-in-law shot back. "He's a healthy weight," I responded. And the matter was dropped. But this isn't the first time she's made such a comment. It is really upsetting, because she truly does not respect me as a parent. The earlier discussion of the chronic suffering of our diabetic relative--doesn't she make the connection between a healthy weight and long-term health?

Later I looked up my son's height and weight at

http://pediatrics.about.com/cs/usefultools/l/bl_bmi_calc.htm

and received this report:

A 7 year and 7 months old (male) child who is 50 pounds and is 4 feet tall has a body mass index of 15.3,
which is at the 40th percentile,
and would indicate that your child is at a healthy weight.

This doesn't even take into account the problems with the BMI chart and the height and weight percentiles being based on a population of unhealthy and overweight children.

The second experience tonight came when my friend (who is my mother's age) confronted me about our new diet style. She was quite worried that I am starving my children. She was highly concerned that a diet primarily consisting of fruit would cause them to stop growing and not develop healthy brains. She kept saying, "No grains?"

I let her try a cracker made with sprouted grains and flax that I had in my car... which in a way was dishonest, since I am coming to believe that indeed, the best diet for my children does NOT include grains.

When my children were last there about a week ago, they went inside her home to visit while my husband and I were doing some gardening. When I went to retrieve them, I found her feeding them large quantities of rice, beans, eggs, and bread. I didn't say anything. But she used this as evidence that they weren't getting enough to eat. I explained that they have healthy appetites, are very active, and eat large quantities of food all day. (I didn't mention that she uses a lot of salt in her food or bring up words like excito-toxins). The conversation ended with her seeming to accept what I was saying, with reservation and she did apologize for "scolding me." But I left with a sick, fearful feeling in my stomach. Would my friend turn me in to the authorities?

Part of my fear comes from inside. What if my kids aren't getting what they need? Recently, I have become aware that they need to eat much more sweet fruit than I realized. I didn't know that they needed more bananas and mangoes than apples and oranges. My oldest does not like melon or bananas very much and will not eat mangoes at all. He eats a lot of apples, which are his favorite. My daughters are actually a bit overweight and are less picky, so I worry less about them. And of course, the toddler is still nursing quite a bit.

All of you out there, you lovely blog readers, reassure me! Does anyone have wisdom or resources to share?