Saturday, November 3, 2007

30 years of problems take more than 3 minutes to fix

"Am I in heaven here or am I in hell? At the crossroads I am standing."

Sarah McLachlan

One conversation that I see repeated numerous times on raw forums is when newbies state that they have been raw for a number of weeks or months and they have not seen their symptoms disappear completely or their energy soar. Invariably, the wise sages appear and assure them that a lifetime of damage cannot be repaired in such a short time. So, be patient, stay the course, have faith, they are counseled. Some do, some fall by the wayside. Such is life.

I am trying to apply this lesson to my emotional struggles. Be patient, stay the course, have faith. Will I survive? Or will I be left laying on said wayside, a casualty of my own special collection of trauma and weakness?

Today, I was feeling under the weather and contacted a person I was scheduled to meet to beg off. She expressed concern that my illness was caused by my raw vegan lifestyle. Actually, her words were, "I wish you would consider eating more."

This is the umpteenth time this person has expressed her concern that I am going to kill myself or my children with my crazy diet.

I could not contain a derisive laugh. Hasn't she noticed that I have gained 20 pounds in the last 6 weeks, I asked her? I have been eating lots of foods on her approved list, huge amounts of calories.

"Brown rice?" she pressed. Yes, my problems are definitely caused by a brown rice deficiency.

She is just doing her best, I reminded myself. Feeling a disgusting combination of guilt and fear, I went on to explain to her, honestly, that I was going through a lot of emotional difficulties and that I felt uncomfortable being subjected to her judgements. I played the "miscarriage" card (I had a miscarriage last year at this time), which was possibly a bit dishonest, since it isn't at the top of the list of what is really bothering me, but I felt I had to say something.

She apologized profusely, for not being aware that she was letting her judgement show through. In other words, she doesn't think she's wrong, she just thinks its wrong to make another person uncomfortable by sharing her correct opinion. Sigh. I feel frustrated by my inadequacy at standing on my own.

I want this to be true:

"All the fear has left me now
I'm not frightened anymore.
It's my heart that pounds beneath my flesh.
It's my mouth that pushes out this breath

and if I shed a tear I won't cage it.
I won't fear love
and if I feel a rage I won't deny it.
I won't fear love."

Sarah McLachlan


Raw Vegan Mama said...

Oh Marjorie! I am so sorry that you are dealing with this.

I/we have to trust that you are going through this for a reason -- a better reason than you currently know. In the end you are going to pull out of this beautifully!

I am going to send you an email, k?

Big Cyber hugs!


Connie said...

Marjorie, My heart goes out to you because I have been there and done that! Just remember where it is you want to be, and you will eventually find yourself there. In the meantime though, it's a bitch! I know!

BTW, if you take care of that brown rice deficiency you will probably feel much better! Some Ben and Jerry's maybe, but brown rice, what did that ever cure?! lol!

I am sending you lots of positive energy and hoping you feel better soon.

Much Love!

Sarah said...

That's a toughie, Marjorie. :( I'm sorry you were subjected to that. It is difficult to not allow ignorant negative ppl to take seed in our minds. What I found helped me is to let these people go from my life if I can. It helps me to be around people who see life more the way I do in this phase. (((hugs)))

Greenmama said...

Hi all,

Thanks for being here to send me some cheer.



Raw Vegan Family said...

We miss you, Greenmama! :(
Hurry Back!

Smiles! :)