Sunday, November 11, 2007

Looking for Joy

Have you seen her?

I was just looking at my picture to the right. I look pretty happy, don't I? Actually, I was faking it in that picture. I remember the day that it was taken. I remember feeling unhappy about many things that day. I remember that a couple of hours before that picture, I had eaten a high-fat raw meal that was sitting like a big brick in my stomach. Still I did feel a sense of happiness that I could show off my newfound physical beauty in a picture. I did feel appreciation for the beautiful weather and the gorgeous flowers around me, and appreciation for the opportunity to spend the day with my family on an adventure. Overall, I felt hopeful at that time that my life was on an upward trajectory.

So, why did I ruin it by feeling the need to project a false sense of perfection to the world? Look at me, I'm a perfect raw vegan, I am saying.

If I took a picture of me now, I would look much different. My body is swollen and bloated and overweight (over 20 lbs. in 2 months!). My hair is greasy and at an awkward stage of growth. My skin is dry and lustreless. I am wearing an expression of malaise, unhappiness, and even possibly, anger. I'm wearing the same pair of tattered, mismatched sweats for the second day in a row, for God's sake. LOL!

I can say, however, that my insides match my outsides. I am not faking anything. I am just feeling what I am feeling. And I'm saying it out loud in public.

I feel like I am ready to go on a search for REAL FEELINGS OF JOY! Not for some glossy image of perfection to portray to the world.

Stay tuned!


Anonymous said...

Marjorie, I am so sorry to hear you are not feeling/doing well! Remember, this too shall pass. I hope that you are able to work out whatever it is in your life that is keeping you from eating/feeling the way you would like. You know my e-mail--please feel free to send me a message if there is ANYTHING I can do to help! I mean it!

Hang in there and keep us posted,

Greenmama said...

Hey Courtney,

I miss corresponding with you and hope all is well with you!

Shoot me an e-mail sometime, as I think that I've lost your address.


Sarah said...

Marjorie, I know that as you continue down this journey, you will find joy. It won't be just an outward picture of joy, but complete joy throughout your being. Each day, each moment is an opportunity to grow, to learn, and to live the best that we know how. I wish you joy in your future, whenever you're ready to experience it fully :)

TheWriterStuff said...

Marjorie, it's very brave of you to express your feelings so publicly. Remember you can have joy regardless of your circumstances. I know because right now I should be completely down in the dumps about my finances but I've decided to put my trust in the Lord and He has given me peace beyond understanding. I know that joy is waiting just around the corner for you.

Raw Vegan Family said...

Marjorie, Can you remember the last time you really felt joy? That might be a good place to start. Sometimes we lose touch with what make us happy, and it is often not what we imagine it to be. Joy often comes at the strangest times, and for the strangest reasons. Joy is as likely be a feeling of relief as an expression of ecstatsy; she has many faces.

I was depressed for many, many years, searching relentlessly for a way out; desperately seeking Joy. I woke up one day and decided to become content with my life. I refused to indulge the feelings that had overwhelmed me for so long. I decided joy was overrated, a bit wearing, and far too elusive to be my life's goal. Contentment, the feeling, and ~knowledge~ that all was as it should be, has been my constant companion since that day. Guess what, it is great, and Joy does stop by occasionally, and is always welcome, but no longer sadly missed or longed for when she is not around. :)

You might also want to visualize a time in the past that seemed overwhelming, and recall how it resolved itself. Hope and Joy travel together. While entertaining one, you will often find the other pops in unexpectedly.

Much Love!

Anonymous said...

I just found this channeled message from Kwan Yin, Goddess of mercy and compassion. As I was copying the link for you, I saw that the channel's name is Marjorie. :) Coincidence, maybe! Just click on New Message if you want to listen. I think you may find it timely.

RawFitMama said...


In due time dear. All of these "emotions" are surfacing because you are on the brink of your glory. You know the powers of a raw lifesyle. You are ready and willing and it will happen effortlessly.

FruityJules said...

Hi, Marjorie. . .

You are so cool. I love your honesty.

F1 just put up some great inspirational talks on youtube. Here are a few I'm sure you'll enjoy:

The Joys of Fruitarianism

Getting Off Cooked Food

Being a Warrior

Maybe this is the inspiration you need!



Sarah said...

Wishing for you to find the joy that you are looking for! (((hugs)))

Anonymous said...

thank you for being a loving, conscious being~ =)

Valencia said...

Keep up the good work.