Connie, a fan letter

I have just finished catching up on the last year in the life of Connie, author of several awesome blogs including Naked Food Cafe, and founder and leader of the forum of the same name.

I have been a fan of Connie since way back, when she had blogs that may not even exist in cyberspace anymore... I remember the old Naked Food Cafe with high-fat raw recipes. I remember her blog after that with the blue background with psyfi graphics, although the name escapes me. I remember Banana Island and how upbeat and positive it was, with beautiful pictures and yummy recipes. I loved Connie's writing style; her intelligence, wit, curiousity and magical imagination. I never, ever was bored when I read her entries, and I often felt thoughtful, inspired, and uplifted for hours afterwards. And then of course, there was Connie's kindness, her openness and tolerance, and her interest in others. She always took the time to answer comments, and to read and comment on the blogs of others, including mine. When I moved, Connie sent me a simple hand-made housewarming gift, a gesture which I still treasure.

I always wondered, though, if a person could be "real" in a blog. Certainly in my own blog, I felt that there were times when I was only portraying a part of my feelings, or a fragment of my experience. When Connie abruptly posted that she was leaving Banana Island to follow the McDougall Diet in the interest of family harmony, I felt confused. Huh? What did I miss?

Imagine my delight to catch up Connies most recent blog entries and see a whole person revealed. When Connie shared her moments of fear walking in the park after a young girl in her town was killed, or her moments of shame when she found herself in a fast food drive-thru, in spite of her best intentions, her moments of frustration as she wrestled with her compulsion to battle with the number on the scale, and her triumph when she kicked that scale to the curb, suddenly I realized... Connie is showing me the way. It is safe and ok to live my life out loud in front of others.

In the last year, I have been to the abyss. When my husband and I broke up, I believed I didn't have a single friend to turn to... No one to give me a big hug and listen to me pour my heart out for hours. But the truth was, I probably could have reached out to a number of people. I could have blogged and gotten support and encouragement from those far away. I did not, because I was ashamed. I was ashamed to tell the truth about my feelings. I was afraid to appear vulnerable. I was ashamed to be honest about behavior that I regretted. Paradoxically, obeying my fears created the things I was most afraid of... loneliness, despair, loss. The more Connie shares about her struggles and her regrets, the more she seems to grow in confidence and radiance. Opening ourselves to truly experience our fears and sadness also opens ourselves to truly experience joy and true friendship.

So, a shout-out to Connie, for inspiring me yet again. I will now confess that I have a secret fantasy that I will show up on Connie's doorstep this winter to get a hug and a smoothie. Just not a grapefruit one, 'k? LOL! Love you!

I'm baaaack!

I admit it, I've been a chicken... Since my last post a year and a half ago, I have spent most of my time struggling with myself and hiding from everyone.

So many changes, it would take a book-length post to update you all on them. But here's the highlight reel. I tried to force myself and everyone in my family in a journey of radical self-development, some of which was documented on this very blog. I ran smack-dab into my deep emotional wounds and lack of interpersonal skills. Homeschooling crashed and burned. My family life crashed and burned. I broke up with my husband Jason (meanwhile, unbeknownst to us, we had conceived our lovely baby boy Qian, pictured above). Our children moved with Jason to the small town where he teaches and went back to public school. I began working 50 hours a week at two new jobs, and spent the weekends with the children.

We planned to divorce and give the baby up for adoption, but by the third trimester we could not bear to do either, and chose to reunite and welcome our baby to our family. Meanwhile, Jason had a very serious health crisis which left him insulin-dependent and suffering from severe neuropathy. He has only partially recovered. I have moved back with him and am down to one job, about 10 hours per month. I am just enjoying my family immensely. But the struggles and compulsions that I have wrestled with my entire life are still present daily. I want to engage them with curiousity and compassion, rather than an endless cycle of self-violence.

I have been exploring my emotional health in new ways, and am finally ready to rejoin the world. I missed my community here, and hope to reunite with you all.

Feeling the Love

I am so grateful for the outpouring of support from my friends! Wow. I am also disconcerted a bit by all those online and in my own life who have responded with their own questions, fears and skepticism.

I am thankful that people feel comfortable sharing their concerns and asking their questions. At the same time, I feel a bit nervous taking on the role of expert or even role model. I share my own personal experiences with the hopes that they will help others feel confident to try 80-10-10 out. I encourage anyone who has questions to go to Dr. Graham's VegSource Forum or the PathOfHealth Yahoogroup. These folks really ARE experts and role models.

I guess I should clarify for those of you who might wonder... I have ZERO doubts about the health, safety and normalcy of eating a diet of raw fruit and tender greens. That's right, folks, I truly believe that this is the way that humans are designed to eat, and that anything else will result in less than optimal health.

I also know that as Dr. Graham says, it's direction, not speed, that counts. I am going in the right direction again, thank goodness!

I LOVE garden club. I love spending time with interesting people more than twice my age. Seriously... I wish I could recount all of the fascinating and unusual stories and funny jokes I heard tonight. I stayed late with a couple of interesting octagenarians and we talked about everything from what it was like to be a repo man fifty years ago, to why the phone company sucks, to a 92 year-old movie shot by Thomas Edison, to the Renaissance, to San Padre Island and the cheerleaders one can meet there. Gus Petrakis told me that he was in love with me and offered me some uzo. A girl could get used to that. I better be careful, he's got a book called Windows XP for Dummies on his coffee table and may find my mention of his name on Google. (Hi, Gus.)

Anyway, it's past my bedtime. (No, I didn't have any uzo.)

A note about my food record... I am sorry I've been lax about this. I doing well for weeks now eating about 90-5-5. I am eating a lot of bananas and local melons, as well as lettuce. My friend brought me an order of peaches and blueberries from Michigan. The rest of my diet is stuff out of my garden--cucumbers, tomatoes, okra, and tomatillos.

I need to consistently eat more calories. Work is wreaking havoc on my eating schedule. I have to eat way earlier than I want to or wait until 11:30, when I'd be starving. I want to get in some outdoor walking during my lunch break, but I only have 30 minutes to both walk and eat, so it's a bit hairy. I feel lousy if I don't get some exercise, fresh air and sunshine, though. Then I feel ravenous after school and start eating and don't quit until after dinner. So I'm eating too many kinds of foods together in the evening.

I'm sure I'll get into a more comfortable routine soon.

Chicago Saga, The Final Chapter: Old Friends

With our friend Mercy

On a whim, I decided I just had to stop at Whole Foods before leaving Chicago and driving home. Of course, I was really just procrastinating because I was already tired, and the thought of driving 3 hours and getting all of the sleeping kids into their beds by myself was a little overwhelming. On our way into the parking lot, I noticed short woman and a tall teenager walking along. I quickly recognized the woman as an old friend... Mercy.

I met Mercy when I was desperately trying to find a home daycare provider for my first baby so that I could go back to my teaching job. I almost never went to the interview with her because she did not speak English and had to find her daughter to translate for her on the telephone. However, when we went to the interview, we immediately knew that she was the perfect caretaker for our baby. I went on to recommend her to friends and acquaintances, and to occasionally translate for her with some of the other parents. We enjoyed each other's company and we even invited each other to our respective weddings (although she got in a car accident and didn't make it to ours). Anyway, Mercy watched our son until he was 3 years old, at which point I stopped teaching for 6 months after the birth of our second child. Our family then moved away from Chicago. At the time, Mercy was moving to a new house. We totally loss touch and have not seen each other for almost 5 years.

I quickly realized that the tall teenager was her son, who was a cute little 10 year-old last time we saw him. I wasn't sure if she would recognize me, since I've lost a lot of weight and my hair was waist-length last time she saw me. Mercy, on the other hand, looked exactly the same. I took a chance and hailed her. She immediately remembered us and was very excited. We talked for some time and she INSISTED that we come to her house and spend the night. She owns a two-flat, with a garden apartment and has 2 floors devoted just to daycare. She had several extra bedrooms. I resisted at first, but accepted her invitation. So, my husband took off to hang out with his friends and the kids and I went to Mercy's house.

What a gorgeous place! Mercy is a talented businesswoman. She has two assistants and a beautiful well-outfitted daycare. We got a wonderful tour and caught up on our lives. Mercy shared with me her health struggles with a recent diagnosis of fibromyalgia. She insisted on knowing how my husband and I had lost all of our weight and looked so healthy. She was excited about the ideas I shared with her. In fact, she told me a story about how she cured her own breast cancer with herbal medicine 20 years ago. I wish my Spanish was better so that we could have conversed more in depth. I also wish I had some 80-10-10 resources in Spanish I could have shared with her. Mercy told me that she had just that day been praying to God to send her the help she needed to lose weight and take care of her health. She hugged me with tears in her eyes. I was a bit overwhelmed.

After a comfortable night in a lovely room, we shared a breakfast of watermelon with her and she gave the children lots of little gifts. We took some pictures and promised to keep in touch. I think of her often and hope that she is eating fruit and loving life.