Yay! I got my spark back. Or, better yet, I found a spark I never had before.
So, I've been making huge strides lately, and I hope you'll indulge me as I glow a little.
First, I actually faced my mother and told her the outright truth (I won't go into the details because they're no biggie. But just saying them out loud and being honest about my feelings was a big hurdle for me). And, to my surprise, she accepted me! She actually told me that although our beliefs were different, she knew that "I was a person of faith," and that we shared the value of "loving others as ourselves." Wow. I told her that she was an inspiration to me and that she had helped me become the person I was, which is really true.
Another big step... I have been moving forward this week on tasks I have been procrastinating on for years. I have been repeating inwardly, "It is safe and o.k. to let go of all that I no longer need." And it is.
I have also stopped feeling so anxious, rushed, and stressed. I have realized that true emergencies are rare! A problem that is not "solved" immediately is not the end of the world.
Finally, I have done some major work with Elchanan from Path of Health and I can't say enough about how my life is changing as a result. I am embracing my faith... Faith that I can learn and grow and change. I can accept and love myself. I can love others as they are, and further, I can choose what I give and receive from others. (I realized that I often felt I needed to force my information on others to save them... like a missionary! And I can see now why that approach doesn't accomplish anything or help anyone.)
Finally, I have come to undrstand that we are born FREE. Free to learn from all situations, the good and the irritating.
I have been working to learn what it is that I seek when I head for junk food. The surprising answer... I am seeking to block out my own negative judgements of myself. When I lose faith in my ability to create financial resources, or parent effectively, or create and sustain close relationships, that is when I want to binge.
If I can trust that I am always learning and growing, that I will always do my best, and that my best is good enough for this moment... IF I CAN JUST HAVE FAITH (enter choir), then all is well.