Wednesday, August 8, 2007

Fear Vs. Faith

My garden, weeds and all. It's kinda hard to see, but back there is my 6 foot tall sweet corn. In front is sweet potatoes, swiss chard, and various cole crops--all for selling at the Market.

The other side of the garden. The poles standing up are for the pea fence. I picked the last sugar snaps this week. The second fence in back has Purple Triumfo pole beans. In front of the pea fence are the tomatos.

Four varieties of snap beans--Dragon tongues, yellow French Filet, and two kinds of green beans that look pretty much identical. Yes, they are planted too close! But I didn't have to do much weeding. LOL!

Red okra starting to bloom. Okra tastes great raw and isn't slimy like it is when it's cooked.

Today was a day for exhaustion, exhiliration and epiphanies. After a marathon late-night "working things out" session with my husband, I got up at 6:15 to go to a Farmer's Market with my farmer friend Phil. Great fun, and lots of learning! The "big city" market was a lot different than my home town one.

This afternoon, I had fun with the kids watching videos of colonoscopies. I highly recommend this video for anyone trying to kick the meat and milk once and for all. (If you go, click on the link to the movie that is called Colon Therapy. Also, please don't think I'm endorsing the good doctor's eating plan of 80% grains!) My kids were fascinated and asked lots of questions. However, some of the last shots of really badly diseased colons and polyp removal got too gross for them and they stopped watching. My son has a bad rash on his anus from his weekend SAD experience, so I think he thought about that a bit. He is very interested in anatomy.

Today is our baby's birthday! She turns 3. We celebrated her all day! She is the person in the family who truly knows The SECRET to life. We plan to have a party for her on Sunday with a watermelon cake.

Tonight, I started listening to the first free conference offered by the Path of Health, entitled What is Health? Amazing stuff! My husband and I have been so grateful for the Path of Health community and the help they have offered to us on our journey, and I would encourage anyone to try out their 2 month trial period and free mentorship program.

Anyway, while listening, I was struck by Elchanan's teaching about fear versus faith. I was thinking about this as I took a long walk late in the evening. It came to me that I am ALWAYS afraid! I grew up constantly afraid that I would be yelled at, belittled, criticized, and paddled. I was afraid that I was a bad person and would burn in hell. As I grew up, I added more and more fears. I am afraid of being a total failure, of being unlovable. I am afraid I can't do math or learn to fix anything mechanical. I am afraid of losing things and not being able to find them, and consequently, I never can actually look for lost items. I am afraid of being a horrible parent. I am afraid of being attacked by men or dogs. I am afraid that I can't manage time or be organized and that I won't have enough time or energy to do all the things I am interested in. I am afraid of what others think of me.

As I was thinking all this, I started realizing that I was walking, and not running because I have always been afraid to lose my breath. Somehow, I have convinced myself that I can't run. Then I thought how there was a time when I couldn't really walk very well. My thighs rubbed together painfully. My back and feet ached. I felt tired and out of breath quickly and felt like I was forcing myself to walk. Now, I realized I wasn't feeling that feeling any more. I felt light and airy. I realized I was walking quite fast without any real effort. I thought about how my thighs are never irritated and chafed and broken out any more, like they used to be. I saw my thin, fit shadow on the ground. It seemed like a different person than the one I was afraid of being.

I broke into a joyful run, just to see if I could hold that feeling of energy. It felt really easy, like I was skimming over the ground. I didn't feel like I was forcing it or like I was being chased. It was just running.

Then I started getting afraid of being fearful. LOL! What a silly thing to be afraid of. I slowed down, just to feel in control. But I broke into a run again as soon as I felt ready. It was fun! I got home feeling fantastic.

Today's Food (* for locally grown)

10 a.m. 1 large cantaloupe*

12 p.m. 1 more large cantaloupe*

3:30 p.m. 1/2 large Armenian Snake cucumber*, 1 cup or so various small tomatoes*

6:30 p.m. About 12 cups watermelon, 1 large stalk celery
11:30 p.m. About 4 cups watermelon (yikes, I know! but I didn't eat enough and exercised late.)

Approximately 1400 calories, C-F-P 83-9-9


45 minutes brisk walk with a bit of running thrown in

15 minutes strength circuit (body weight exercises)


Connie said...

If I lived near you, I would help you in your garden while Christopher played with your baby, running between the rows, sharing their raw snacks. We would pull weeds, nibbling on raw okra and sweet corn, all the while designing a plan for world peace.

You make me long for a raw community I can reach out and touch. Your little boy could feel free to walk into my unlocked house and find nothing but lovely fresh produce that he was welcome to anytime!

That is my dream this morning. :-)

Love and Hugs!

PS My fantasy takes place in a warm location. As much as I hate the extreme heat of the south, I could not bear the cold you all endure in the winter! LoL!

Courtney said...

I am so jealous--your garden is beautiful!

Happy birthday to your baby! That is exciting--I hope she enjoys her watermelon cake.


Greenmama said...

Thanks Connie and Courtney!

Connie, How about you come up here and stay all summer, and then we'll all head to Florida for the winter. LOL! Sounds awesome.

Courtney, you'd be invited, too.

:), Marjorie

Connie said...

Oh my, that does sound wonder~full! I come with quite an entourage, but so do you, that many more hands to cut the okra and shuck the corn! LoL!

Let me get my shoes on and I'm out the door!

Big Hugs!

Keiko Ti said...

What a great post.. The garden looks amazing! Gardens are the best! I was reading about your fears and really just wanted to step into the computer to give you a hug.. The happy ending was great. so wonderful. I could truly feel for you and it lifted me up and made me smile inside when you ran.
Happy Birthday to your baby!
Much Love!