Monday, March 24, 2008

Self-Awareness

I have been wanting to share so much about what has been going on in my self and my life... but I struggle to even find the words to describe the dramatic and powerful changes that are going on in my self-awareness. Now, I am feeling such joy that I am going to write about this no matter how incoherent I sound. LOL!

If you had asked me a year ago, "Are you self-aware?" I would have not understood the question. But, I would have convinced myself that I did, and I would have been convinced that I, of course, was very aware of myself. I would have backed that up with a whole lot of judgements of my skills and talents and flaws and quirks. In other words, my self-awareness was just above zero, with zero being dead. :)

Here's the analogy to the changes I am experiencing that makes sense in my head. Whenever I moved to a town or city, no matter the size, I always felt overwhelmed in the beginning about how to navigate. So, I would map out, out of necessity, routes to the places I needed to go to do the daily business of life. I could get from my house to school, from my house to the grocery store, from my house to the library, etc. But, I couldn't get from the grocery store to the library. I had no idea how the whole map looked, how far things were from each other, or what the neighborhood in between looked like. Gradually, through exploration, I would eventually "fill in the map." Within a few years, even a large city like Chicago seemed quite simple to navigate because I understood the pattern of organization of the streets and the transit system, and had a general knowledge of the different neighborhoods and where they were in relationship to each other. No matter where I might find myself, it was easy to immediately collect clues about where I was in relation to everywhere else in the city, and quite quickly, I could envision where I was on the map.

Now, finally, I believe I am starting to fill in the map that makes up me, and my relationship to the world and other human beings. Suddenly, I am seeing the connections everywhere. I have stopped looking at my feet, as they plod forward, step by step, and I've started to look up and actually seeing what is around me.

Sometimes, I lose my sense of direction and feel lost. I can't access what I am feeling or needing. I can't see options or recognize anyone else. But those times are coming fewer and farther between. I can experience the sense of being lost without despair, because I know that I can just look around me, and learn! Next time I am here, I will remember it, and I will know the way.

8 comments:

Sarah said...

Thanks for sharing your experience and growth that is taking place. I'm also filling in the gaps and becoming more aware these days. I feel as if I have far to go, but I know that each day will bring a new awareness, a new chance to learn, as long as I am willing.

Hugs,
Sarah

Connie said...

Marjorie, You do not sound incoherent at all, but I know what you are talking about; the whole experience is difficult to put into words. Glad you are finding your way. :)

Big Hugs!
Connie

Greenmama said...

Thanks, dear friends!

:), Marjorie

Courtney said...

Very well said, Marjorie! You are so thoughtful and eloquent...I love your posts.

By the way, I am the EXACT same way when I move to a new place! When I first moved here, I had to leave from my apt to get anywhere...if I started anywhere else, I had no idea where I was or where I was going!

Courtney

Queen B said...

I feel ya girlfriend! After 6 years of living in South Florida, Mapquest is still my best friend... Blessings!

Lisa, aka Pixywinks said...

I always feel so great when I figure out something big. I feel like I'm in a brand new space. Hooray for insights (and Mapquest!)
Pixy Lisa

Sarah said...

You explained that very well, for all your worry! :) It is good to hear your joy in your words, Marjorie.

Andrew said...

This is great for you. Feel the same increasingly since being raw. A complete awareness of what is around, options. An unspoken knowledge of what is the right action, all in the moment. No thinking.

And you are feeling happier too!


Andrew.