I don't like waiting!

The waiting is the hardest part

Every day you see one more card

You take it on faith, you take it to the heart

The waiting is the hardest part

from The Waiting by Tom Petty

Actually, I can stand in line just fine. I don't usually race around trying to find the shortest grocery lane. I don't harumph with irritation if someone is 5 minutes late to meet me.

But when it comes to the changes I want to see manifest in my life, I really feel anxious and well, impatient.

I don't want to spend another week desperately hoping that we won't run out of money for food. This has gone on literally as long as I can remember, no matter what our earnings. We ALWAYS run out of money to pay all of the bills or have to subsist on bananas or dumpster gleanings for the last 3 days before payday.

I don't want to spend another winter shivering and feeling blue from lack of sunlight.

Is impatience a lack of faith? Possibly. Possibly I don't really believe I can create a stable financial situation or ever have the courage to start my life over in a new place. Perhaps I don't have faith in myself. Perhaps I am afraid to make some sort of "fatal" mistake if I make huge changes.

At this point, perhaps impatience is simply a symptom of system overload. I literally cannot take this amount of pain and stress for much longer. I have reached the end of my tolerance. Much more, and my spirit may sicken and die.

Faith and Freedom

Yay! I got my spark back. Or, better yet, I found a spark I never had before.

So, I've been making huge strides lately, and I hope you'll indulge me as I glow a little.

First, I actually faced my mother and told her the outright truth (I won't go into the details because they're no biggie. But just saying them out loud and being honest about my feelings was a big hurdle for me). And, to my surprise, she accepted me! She actually told me that although our beliefs were different, she knew that "I was a person of faith," and that we shared the value of "loving others as ourselves." Wow. I told her that she was an inspiration to me and that she had helped me become the person I was, which is really true.

Another big step... I have been moving forward this week on tasks I have been procrastinating on for years. I have been repeating inwardly, "It is safe and o.k. to let go of all that I no longer need." And it is.

I have also stopped feeling so anxious, rushed, and stressed. I have realized that true emergencies are rare! A problem that is not "solved" immediately is not the end of the world.

Finally, I have done some major work with Elchanan from Path of Health and I can't say enough about how my life is changing as a result. I am embracing my faith... Faith that I can learn and grow and change. I can accept and love myself. I can love others as they are, and further, I can choose what I give and receive from others. (I realized that I often felt I needed to force my information on others to save them... like a missionary! And I can see now why that approach doesn't accomplish anything or help anyone.)

Finally, I have come to undrstand that we are born FREE. Free to learn from all situations, the good and the irritating.

I have been working to learn what it is that I seek when I head for junk food. The surprising answer... I am seeking to block out my own negative judgements of myself. When I lose faith in my ability to create financial resources, or parent effectively, or create and sustain close relationships, that is when I want to binge.

If I can trust that I am always learning and growing, that I will always do my best, and that my best is good enough for this moment... IF I CAN JUST HAVE FAITH (enter choir), then all is well.

30 years of problems take more than 3 minutes to fix

"Am I in heaven here or am I in hell? At the crossroads I am standing."

Sarah McLachlan

One conversation that I see repeated numerous times on raw forums is when newbies state that they have been raw for a number of weeks or months and they have not seen their symptoms disappear completely or their energy soar. Invariably, the wise sages appear and assure them that a lifetime of damage cannot be repaired in such a short time. So, be patient, stay the course, have faith, they are counseled. Some do, some fall by the wayside. Such is life.

I am trying to apply this lesson to my emotional struggles. Be patient, stay the course, have faith. Will I survive? Or will I be left laying on said wayside, a casualty of my own special collection of trauma and weakness?

Today, I was feeling under the weather and contacted a person I was scheduled to meet to beg off. She expressed concern that my illness was caused by my raw vegan lifestyle. Actually, her words were, "I wish you would consider eating more."

This is the umpteenth time this person has expressed her concern that I am going to kill myself or my children with my crazy diet.

I could not contain a derisive laugh. Hasn't she noticed that I have gained 20 pounds in the last 6 weeks, I asked her? I have been eating lots of foods on her approved list, huge amounts of calories.

"Brown rice?" she pressed. Yes, my problems are definitely caused by a brown rice deficiency.

She is just doing her best, I reminded myself. Feeling a disgusting combination of guilt and fear, I went on to explain to her, honestly, that I was going through a lot of emotional difficulties and that I felt uncomfortable being subjected to her judgements. I played the "miscarriage" card (I had a miscarriage last year at this time), which was possibly a bit dishonest, since it isn't at the top of the list of what is really bothering me, but I felt I had to say something.

She apologized profusely, for not being aware that she was letting her judgement show through. In other words, she doesn't think she's wrong, she just thinks its wrong to make another person uncomfortable by sharing her correct opinion. Sigh. I feel frustrated by my inadequacy at standing on my own.

I want this to be true:

"All the fear has left me now
I'm not frightened anymore.
It's my heart that pounds beneath my flesh.
It's my mouth that pushes out this breath

and if I shed a tear I won't cage it.
I won't fear love
and if I feel a rage I won't deny it.
I won't fear love."

Sarah McLachlan