Old tapes

Some of you may remember which teacher it was who used to tell us that the "old tapes" running through our heads sometimes led to getting stuck in behaviors we want to change. I know some of you reading this aren't old enough to remember cassette tapes. LOL! But I find it a useful and accurate metaphor for what I experience at times.

Despite my incredible progress in so many areas, a lot of my old tapes are still running. After a strong start to the new year, I have slid back to the point where I found myself eating all kinds of crap yesterday, including dairy.

The new tape says, one meal at a time, start now. But the old tape says, you are a failure and you always will be. The new tape says, look at how far you've come and all you've improved. The old tape says, it's been years and you are still rehashing the same old crap.

When I feel like this, I have repetitive dreams where I have an important task to complete. Usually, in the dream, I have a class to teach or an appointment to keep. I find myself in a large building where I am wandering about, unable to find the room that I am supposed to be in. In another version of the dream, I don't have the proper materials or I can't find my glasses and am totally blind. The dream goes on and on, while I try and try to complete my task, with no success. Sometimes this dream is combined with a dream I have when I am stuffy and mouth-breathing. In this dream I have a large wad of gum stuck to my back teeth. I try to remove it, but I can only get bits and pieces. I pull piece after piece of sticky gum out, but still a large wad remains. I wake up feeling anxious, unrested and very thirsty.

Ok, my lovely friends, now is your cue to send me lots of love and encouragement. Thanks!